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Way To Piss Me Off At Work...
I went to work yesterday and right before i take my 15 min break i get a text. When i get into the breakroom i check out the text it's from Chris. At first i'm excited, cause i'm always excited to get a call or a text from him... but when i read it i get pissed. He says the boys want him to go toPB with them tonight. Why that pissed me off as much as it did... i dunno, but man... So i call im and i'm like, What'd you say? he tells me that the boys want to go to PB... I just don't understand what the point of that is. He doesn't dance, he doesn't drink, and he has a fucking girlfriend. So the point of going out and clubbing is what? TO WASTE MONEY?! i dont fucking know. whatever. And it's not like i don't trust him or anything, but i don't like the idea of the boys pushing girls onto him and egging him on to do things. i know he wont do it, but still, just the way his friends are and would treat the situation doesn'tmake me comfortable. And he didn't understand at all why i would be pissed. I dunno... whatever. Well he didn't end up going... but i dunno if that made me feel any better about any of it.
Damn, I'm Clever
So a few days ago Andrew and i both ended up at In N Out after work. It was kinda weird, but we hung out a little while i waited for my food and he give me his number and told me to call by friday. I think that was monday. So anyway. I texted him last night, like at 1:15 in the morning. And i really wanted to play mind tricks with him so i was like, "Hey boo, What's goin on?" he had no damn idea who it was! haha, so we just sent texts back and forth as he tried to figure out who it was. He finally gave up and called me. We ended up talking for a few hours. As sweet as the boy is and as much as i like the way he treats girls and the way he says he would treat me... After the conversation all i could think was, I miss Chris. I don't think anyone could treat me with as much love as chris does. It may not be as flamboyant and as charming... and as much as i love that whole idea of being wined and dined and the flowers just because and hearing i love you when it doesn't need to be said, i love the way chris treats me. No one will be able to fill his shoes... I love him.
I Can't Help It...
I'm still doing things that i promised i would stop doing... It relieves me. It makes me feel better... When theres no one to talk to and no one i can vent to i look at at sharp edge. I finally changed the direction from vertical to horizontal... i suppose that means i'm getting better. I dunno.
I've been having problems... I suppose you can call them boyfriend problems. I don't want to say anything just because i know we're gonna end up arguing... i dont like it when we argue... I don't want chris to get tired of me and my arguing. So i'll just allude to things, but i'll pretty much keep it under wraps... but now it seems that things are starting to get to me... Last night he told me some things... because i asked him... i suppose thats my fault... What he told me kind of bothered me. I just tried to let it go... And usually i do really well... but i couldn't even sleep last night because of it... i can't sleep right now because of it. I can't let it get the best of me. I dunno what to do. Not talking about things makes it so hard to be in this relationship... just because i know he doesn't like talking about the bad things... but it just makes it hard to fix things we need to work on. I dunno... I'll just let it go. It's stupid anyway....
the future freaks me out...
yea... that damn band Motion City Soundtrack did that song... but past that i'm scared. Over the last 8 months i've busted my balls and worked the hardest i've ever worked to make something work... a relationship work. Over the last 8 months i've fallen in love and found the person i've dreamed of since i was a little girl. I found all the characteristics i've always wished for in a guy. And the faults and the flaws that i've found, are anything but that, those flaws make him him, and make him perfect in my eyes. I've found him...
But as it's been brought to my attention in the past... the future holds anything but a smooth road ahead. I'm scared shitless. I've decided to stay in San Diego for my freshman year of college, at least. I'm gonna be living in or around PQ so thats good. Chris is gonna finish up community anf transfer to his college of choice second semester... his college of choice is UNLV. That's great and all, and don't get me wrong, i want him to be happy... but i just wish he was happy with me, around me... He says he wants to go to UNLV so he can live with his cousin Kayla... not to be rude and i don't want to seem selfish (even though i know i am being exactly that) but, kayla will always be around, she's family... he doesn't have to work to have a relationship with her, he always will... that doesn't go for a girlfriend. I mean, sure, we can try to have a relationship from SD to LV, but how realistic is that. He hates the phone which is only one concern. He doesn't believe in long distance relationships, he even said that he will more than likely break up with me over distance if it were to come about. Its just like, do u still want me in your life when u go to college. He says the college experience is about starting in a new place without knowing anyone... its just like, he wants to start over without me. I just wonder if he even cares that it will end things. I mean, its not like its positively going to happen, but even he said it will be over. It's like, do i mean anything at all, do i have any value, because if i do, then why leave a good thing... why end a good thing? I justcan't find a way to keep it all together. I can't find a way to make it last. And even if i could, i wonder if he would want it to. I know i would do anything in my power to make it last, i would move, i would change schools, i would call all the time, i would buy anything and everything to make it work out... but is it mutual. Would he try to make it work? Would he do the same thing for me? I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to convince him that i'm worth it. I don't know how to pursuade him to try. I don't know how to not end up broken hearted... I'm just so broken up about this whenever i think about it... it kills me.
"'Tis better to have loved and lost
Then never to have loved at all"
-Tennyson "In Memoriam A.H.H."
i guess i have to start making this my mantra.
"i don't feel like it... it's not you"
damn. that sucked. I dunno why, but hearing that just made me feel bad. Cause as much as i know its not me and as much as i believe him... It still feels that way to a certain extent. And i understand that he didn't want to, but i dunno, it just kinda felt like i wasn't wanted or something. I'm over it.
"You quit too easily"
It sucks that i have to try so hard to get a kiss sometimes. I mean, he'll let me kiss him a most of the time, but other times he'll jsut be like no. And its very rare that he will ask for a kiss. He even asked why i was so kissy today. I dunno... i like to show him my affection (of course in private, not for the world to see... in public i'll give him little pecks... even in private all i'll want are pecks, and sometimes he with holds). And when he does ask for kisses, i never play "hard to get" just because i like it when he wants one. I dunno, it just makes me sad sometimes that he wants me to work for something simple and something free that shows so much. I dunno. I guess at the same time though, it makes me appreciate them more and stuff, but its almost disapointing sometimes. It cute sometimes, but it makes me sad other times. Its okay, i'll get used to it.
i'm coughing up a storm...
Well i just got sick like last week. My worst day was probably thursday. I felt horrible. I stayed home that day... well i went to school, and stayed home the rest of the day. I thought that i would be pretty much over it, with probably a few sniffles here and there and a few sneezes... but now i'm coughing like theres no tomorrow. my throat is so itchy and scratchy that i don't want to breathe cause it will make me cough up a storm. It's really irritated... and irritating. It bites. I hate it. Chris had me use his inhaler which expired 3 years ago... so if i'm dead tomorrow or the day after, that why. hehe. Just Joking. ohh well... i'm gonna get going
A Lot of Tits, A Lot of Ass, and a Lot of Violence...
Last night i went to the movies with Chris, Elyse, RD, Celeste, Colin, Mandre, Ben, Darlene, and a bunch of RD's buds to watch Sin City. As always, i went without buying or getting free tickets, i was going to walk in with Chris, like we usually do. I talked to Tre and apparently they sold out all 450 seats in the theater. I got nervous. I knew i couldn't just walk in cause they were going to be strict. So i told the everyone that we would just meet them inside the theater. We went into Theater 18 which was Miss Congeniatlity 2 and went to the top of the steps. I went into the upstairs hall to check how far the last showing of Sin City had gotten through... Credits. So i went back into Miss Congeniality and sat with Chris till they started letting people in. Elyse and them got into the theater before us and saved us seats. We basically took up the whole row, except for a few seats on both sides, it was kinda funny. i was kinda nervous cause when i went into Miss Congeniality, i saw my old manager Chris, he asked me what i was watching and i said Miss C and he asked if i was going to watch Sin City, i replied no. So if i got caught in Sin City, i'd be screwed, cause i took 2 perfectly good seats that didn't belong to me... Ohh Well. We waited and waited and then the movie finally started.
The Movie was awesome! I Loved it! great stuff, great stuff. Just like Grant and Mike Bruno said, A lot of Tits, a lot of ass and a lot of violence. the movie was based off the graphic novel, Sin City, so it was very comic bookish. A lot of storylines within the movie, but they all melted into one pot. It was interesting. My Favorite storyline was the one between Bruce Willis and Jessica Alba. It was hoTT. Although the antagonist in that storyline was really scary and weird looking... But despite it, it was good. There were a lot of really funny parts that just slayed me. It was a good movie, i give it a thumbs up.
In the car ride home (D drove Chris, me, 2 of D's friends, Celeste, and Elyse... Chris and i were in the supplemental seats in the back...) Chris was was being soooo dorky. He was sooo cute. He made me laugh a lot. He was really excited about the next day cause he gets to go up to LA with Mandre and Andre and meet one of hs favorite wrestlers, Brett Hart. I love it when he's like that... all pumped with energy. It's cute. I kinda miss him though. He left early this morning and he hasn''t called me since 3am. I wish he had a cell phone so he could call me and visa versa... but he doesn't, so i just have to wait for his call from mandre's cell. Ohh well. I'm really excited for him though. I know how much he loves wrestling and his two favorite all time wrestlers are Tatonka and Brett Hart. So i'm excited for him to meet him. I can't wait to hear the stories when he gets back.
Sitting here...
So i'm just sitting here, looking at old posts... The majority of them are about Chris or Chris and me... They're such happy posts, the older ones. How great life is and how wonderful it is to be in love. There are ones about how Chris bought me Cap'n Crunch and how i got a christmas present 3 months early... it was chris... Those type of things. I miss those posts.
depressed...
i dunno... lately i've been really sad. Crying a lot for no reason... all at the same time, i have really great moments, where i'm as happy as can be, but one upsetting thing, brings me down... far down. There's things i shouldn't be worrying about, but i end up worrying about these things anyway.... Just thinking about them can get me so upset i end up crying. My eyes have been really soar lately... i suppose it cause of the crying. I dunno whats going on...
Chris and i have been getting in a lot of arguments lately... i think i blogged about this already. I guess that could be a factor... hopefully now that his spring break is over it will calm down around here a little more. Things seem to be already... but u never know. I love him. i really do.
I've been good when it comes to my friends. Rachel and i are good. I talk to her a lot now, like we used to. We hang out on a regular basis. I'm happy we hang out and have fun together. Elyse, Azadeh, Andi and i have gotten really close over the last few days. I'm really happy about that. I finally feel comfortable in Chris's group of friends, i feel like i'm not so alone when we hang out with his buds now. I have people to talk to and hang out with. It's nice. I was scared today... I got worried cause it seemed that Elyse was being really distant... i got this bad feeling that she was mad at me and that things between us weren't good. It was really upsetting for me cause it felt like i had just finally started to fit in, only to screw myself over... Not only that, but i just lost one of my best friends... now i'm losing one i just made... I called her up and found it was all in my mind... We straightened things out and things are good. Things between my friends, the ones i care about and the ones that care about me in return are good.
Home... I guess things are okay. I'm not getting in much trouble or anything. I've been doing well at home... doing my fair share and so on.
I'm trying to get back in the work force... i really need to start making money. Not only so i can go do things by myself and so i can buy things for myself, but i want to stop spending Chris's money so he can save up for a car and a phone and all that. It will be good for the both of us. It will also give me something to do. I just applied for a job... hopefully i get a call back soon.
College... college college college. I still don't know exactly what i'm doing. Palomar is still looking good, considering how much money i wll save and so on. I might as well... I have nothing to really look forward to at SDSU... i probably won't dorm, too expensive and i;m not so excited about the dorms anymore anyway... I dunno... i think community will just save me a lot of money and trouble.
So after analyzing most of the factors comprised in my life... i'm still sad, and don't know why. I guess there are things that are clouding my mind and giving me a hard time... i'm not one to talk about it... i'll figure it out on my own time i guess. I just wish i could get back to that place in my life where i was smiling all the time and where i was always laughing and where nothing could bring me down. I lost that a few weeks ago... i guess the somber mood has just dampered things. I guess thats whats clouding my mind. I'm scared i'm going to go back into that rut. People all month have been breaking up and getting in fights and so on... i guess the melancholiness from before hasn't completely evaporated... There's still a part of me that is still insecure because of what happened between me and crhis, i suppose. I'm getting over it though.. i'll be fine... its nice to see what it was that was bothering me though.